Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
