if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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