I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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