so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
