Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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