god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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