My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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