I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
