my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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