He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Randomize
