I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Randomize
