dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
