i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
