I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
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We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
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My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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