he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
