who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
