I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
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