If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
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