I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
