I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
