My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I've blown a few things in my day
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
