Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
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