so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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