Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
