So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
