4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
