Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
