You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
