I accidentally burped into my bong.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
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