Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
