I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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