i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I am puke
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I need to align my fucking chakras
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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