i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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