I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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