i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
