I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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