just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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