I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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