But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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