I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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