Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
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