walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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