Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize