i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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