took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
