I looked at my own cervix.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
