Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
