Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
