He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
