Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
