her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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