I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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