I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
